The Extreme Family Heaton is no stranger to road trips – we’ll saddle up the ole Partner Tepee and ride her for six hours at a stretch if need be, no questions asked, stopping only for rapid-fire bathroom breaks at dodgy French rest stops, more diesel, and perhaps the occasional top-off to our crucial chocolate/meat snack reserves (the car runs on diesel; the Heatons run on chocolate and meat snacks – don’t get these things confused or it’s a long wait for AAA and/or the French medical system depending on which direction you erred).
So, at this point, we’ve driven from the Alps to Paris more times than Napoleon – we know the warning signs that signal trouble with the troops. Diarrhea, dysentery, trench foot – everyone knows to keep an eye out for those (and who can forget the time Kristanne nailed down a typhus outbreak using only a handful of meat snacks and some Handi-Wipes? The woman’s a miracle-worker). But the real red flag? Delirium. That’s why we knew it was time to perhaps consider a break from today’s road trip to the lovely Roman town of Vienne when Quinn piped up loudly from the back seat, “Look! My monkey can do rude gestures!”
I’m sure they’re just discussing books.
And, sure enough, he could, too. It’s a long story and I don’t want to get into questions of blame (Kristanne’s fault) or guilt (all her – I’m pure like the driven snow), but somehow the kids were privy to a full-blown French Flip Off in traffic a couple weeks ago. The offending digit was not Kristanne’s, mine, or the monkey’s, but rather that of an otherwise unassuming young woman who was nearly plowed in the crosswalk with the light in her favor by someone committing the near-felony of Driving While French (that’s a topic for another day). So, rather than let the kids think that that’s just the way French women use crosswalks – screaming in anger while brandishing their middle fingers at the sky – Kristanne went ahead and, uh, annotated the scene for the kids, explaining that this was a rude gesture conveying extreme displeasure, not to be used in polite company. Which, of course, explains why Quinn was having a merry old time having his stuffed monkey toy make the same gesture for our driving pleasure.
How Much Is That Family At the Temple?